R-D-J...doug's side of the talk.

Romance

When i came home from the Persian Gulf 15 years ago, i somehow knew that sheri was the woman that i was going to marry. i couldn't explain it, and i hadn't seen her in 10 years. my little sister erin had been friends with sheri throughout highschool. within days of returning home, my sister took me to see sheri. sheri must have been waiting for us, because when we arrived i hadn't had a chance to get out of the car and sheri was at the car door. she hugged me and kissed me and expressed relief that i returned safely from the Gulf. sheri gave me a hero's welcome. i wasn't a hero, but i felt special, even important.

sheri looked great in her jeans, sweater and designer boots. her hair fell seductively over her eyes, i though to myself, 'i don't remember this sheri'. we went inside her parents home and talked for a while. i gathered my courage and asked if sheri wanted to go out sometime. sheri had recently graduated from college and knew of a party that a former classmate was having the next night. i remember feeling like a trophy piece, as i was shown off to her friends.

sheri and i grew closer in the months that followed. woodworking had always been a passion of mine and i felt a great sense of pride when i made a backgammon set for Sheri. i felt eager to offer my skills whenever i could help or make someone happy, especially sheri. we began spending more and more time together, so much in fact that i began to feel smothered. i was becoming concerned that my development as a person was at a stand still and i was living day to day. sheri started hinting at marriage and commitment. the pressure overcame me and as much as i was in love with sheri, i felt we needed some time apart. a close friend that i grew up with was in the same position with his girlfriend. together, my friend and i decided to move to florida to discover ourselves.

i missed sheri from the start and wrote as often as i could. i remember how excited i was when sheri would send perfume-scented letters to me. i was very happy to redsovermy creative side that had been dormant. i wanted to do something new and different. one day while working on a cabinet at work, i had an idea for a gift for Sheri's birthday. It was a heart shaped jewelry box. I found a scrap piece of wood - 'a big scrap piece' of wood and started cutting away the pieces that were hiding my idea. slowly the jewelry box emerged and i was not above showing it off or bragging about it. i knew sheri was going to really love the jewelry box and i bathed in the joy of giving it to her.

Sheri came down to visit me and on her second visit i asked her to marry me and gave her a promise ring. several months later, the least was up and i moved home. sheri and i were vastly different in family values and beliefs, but we shared a common family dysfunctionality that became a teacher whose lessons we would take to heart. i felt very confident that we could do it differently and i looked forward to our future.


Disillusionment

We were in our second year of marriage when Victoria our first child was born. i was a full time student at OSU, working several jobs at all hours of the day and night. i was having a very difficult time adjusting to fatherhood. i had spread myself so thin that i thought i would have a breakdown or just plain explode. sheri made me feel as though nothing i did was good enough. i felt pretty insignificant wondering around campus like a zombie going class to class. i was earning good grades but at a great personal sacrifice. i studied and did homework between 11pm and 3 am. we argued often about everything, i slept very little and was usually irritable. i started to believe that i wasn't good enough. i remember sitting at my desk late at night feeling so relied as tears streamed down my cheeks. i told myself over and over again that i was making a differnec and things were going to get better.

my confidence came from within and sheri's caustic reminders only served to temper my resolve to push myself on. as much as i loved her, i resented her focusing on my shortcomings without addressing her own. we had so little free time and when there was i would go out to the garage to seek solitude amidst the tools and ongoing projects. sheri would tell me i was abandoning her and the baby and i believed it kept me from losing my temper and prevented the escalation of a bad situation.

i was the oldest of three siblings, while sheri was an only child. i was sick of making concessions to keep the peace and frankly i did not want the responsibility of making someone else happy the entire time even if she was my wife. i have needs too. this was an issue between sheri and i and we each held our ground until the baby cried or needed something, at that point our child demanded more from us than we as individuals could give her. sheri and i struggled on beginning to understand how bittersweet marriage is.

sheri and i didn't really talk; we expressed opinions that usually became debates. i felt as though there always had to be a guilty party and the righteous. we both wanted to be the righteous without admitting fault. since neither of us wanted or was willing to accept blame, we blamed the other and our debates raged on. i wondered if we would always look at things so differently.

Joy

We can control our relationship by deciding to love. By deciding to be open, and share our feelings of hurt, our dreams and fears...even when we don't feel like it.
by deciding to start a discussion of an issue we've avoided. by supporting the other when she is not being particularly loving towards me. by drawing out the others fears and hurts even when that is difficult. by decidedg to be open with Sheri when i do not love myself. unless i decide to love sheri at those times, our relationship suffers.

sheri and i have two school age children (ok, we wrote this a while ago) and the demands are even greater. making the decision to love is difficult but as rewarding as it is essential. instead of letting sheri ease her own mind, i wanted....no i needed to help her.

when things get tough, reassuring myself that they will get better doesn't ease Her mind. i know now, that her needs are different. i'm getting better at seeing her worry and sensing her frustration. i try to go to her and comfort her and tell her that things will be alright. i try to understand how She sees things rather than hearing how I see things.
while i was in school, sheri dealt with the girls for the most part. it was easy to work through my studies and hear the kids call out 'mommy', knowing she would answer. my homework was an excuse to stay selfishly busy. then, one afternoon, we were both busy doing something and the all too familiar 'mommy' rang out. i did something that up until that point i hadn't done, i got up from homework and responded ...'mommy is busy, can i help you'...i dealt with the issue and some how knew it was appreciated. sheri thanked me for that moment, and the rewards were multiple for her, the kids and for me!!

(published with Douglas' permission)