Are we living our miracle NOW?

We got lost trying to find the hospital on Vanderbilt's campus...but made it safely.
Free valet parking..LOVE THAT (and he wouldn't take a tip)

Busy waiting room.
many people attached to oxygen tanks...some in hospital gowns...some in wheelchairs....mostly older than us....and then i saw a gorgeous woman. obviously in a wig with a scarf (the scarf looked like Burberry) ...immaculate make up...big happy dangle pearl earrings...reading the WSJ with a fabulous looking hubby....by her side reading a book.
I sat across from her...she looked like Good Luck to me!!
Douglas filled out his paperwork and we waited for our pager to be buzzed.
In order to maintain privacy...patients are given pagers (like a restaurant) so that the nurses don't call out your name.
(i'd love to go get a job selling those things)
We were called and away we went.
Douglas got all his vitals out of the way and we were escorted into an exam room.
Now, we've been a bit spoiled by the doctors office here in BG. The waiting room is cheerfully decorated with hard wood floors and the exam rooms are very very clean.
This room had an overflowing trash can (which i mentioned to the nurse and she just pushed the trash down further in the bin)(must not be her J.O.B)and some dried faded muck on the floor.
Doug and i both noticed but were too high strung to really care.
A woman in a white coat popped her head in and told us that we would be seeing a Fellow first and then Dr. Sandler. Not having heard that word used in this setting b4 i asked what a Fellow was. Evidently they are 'residents'...maybe the Oncology world gets to pick different names for themselves.
We understood and sat dutifully in our chairs to wait on the Fellow.
A soft knock on the door and in walks....
a whole bunch of fellows....it was the United Nations of fellows...
and then our real Fellow...a lovely and young Fellow in a short dress named Dr. Horn.
Talk about being intimidated...there were six of them...all middle aged men...all in varying degrees of fashion sense underneath their white coats. On their lapels were their names and what country they were from, Israel (no Baba i didn't get a chance to talk about our love of chala and my manors escaped me and i didn't wish him a happy holiday), Greenland, Costa Rica and others i just can't remember.
It reminded me of when i gave birth to Rebecca at OSU...i had an audience for that as well!
Somehow i didn't think douglas was getting the same level of exposure...they never even asked him to take off his shirt!!
ah hum....
oh well...anyway...
She, the Fellow proceeded to sit with us and ask douglas to go back over the history of his illness.
cough began in May
self medicated with cold and cough meds
didn't have time to really look at it until October when family finally got settled down.
tried to treat with anti-biotics
didn't work....so sent for CT, MRI and PET
staged and began chemo
six chemo sessions
another PET...tumor shrinkage..but not contained
and here We are with YOU to discuss Clinical Trials
geezeeeeeeeeeeee that took a long time to get through.........
she took lots of notes...little itty bitty handwritten notes on a stack of papers with all of my hubby's info in it.

She started out bluntly....(they must take a class in that as i seem to get the impression that all Cancer Docs start out Bluntly....)
she said we have Clinical Trials going on here...blah blah blah drug and blah blah blah drug. Given your response to the chemo thus far...and given that there was real shrinkage (i wonder if douglas secretly hates when they use that word :)she doesn't think that now is the time to start a new regimen of drugs.

DEAD SILENCE
I can feel my HEART racing...what....are you telling us to go home.....are you telling me that you don't have drugs to give my husband..........he has CANCER for Christ' sake lady...don't make me have a Terms of Endearment moment on you!!.

(NO MOTHER i didn't really say this...but i did think it!)
I think Douglas was waiting on me to have 'that' moment...but i remained silent.

I can sense that Douglas is dismayed as well and he began to ask questions in circles...in his own way asking why the HELL aren't you going to Help me!

The Israeli Fellow chimed in (you would have been proud Baba)and he put the whole thing in persective for us.
He said: It is faaaar easier for us to geeve you the medicine than explain to you why you don't need right now. (oh he sounded just like Tevye...he really really did)

The mist began to settle....our Fellow smiled at us...she tried again to explain to us what she was trying to say.
She says...you have already beat the odds RIGHT?
(wellll, ummmmmm, yeahhhhhh May was how many months ago????)
She says...you are feeling fine right?
(well, yeah i guess so)
She says ...you are able to work full time right?
(yep, that paycheck keeps a'comin)
She says...you aren't in excruciating pain right?
(only when my wife has PMS....- only at night..and it isn't excruciating by any stretch)
She says...so WHY would i give you medicine that is going to make you SICK?
She says...you are too Healthy for me to give you these clinical drugs.
She says..I think that your previous Chemo has done what it needed to do...it shrunk the primary tumor..there may be evidence of spread but that isn't debilitating you in any way...and you are feeling fine.
She says this is my opinion...i think Doctor Sandler will agree...

Go home and enjoy your life...we'll still be here when you need us!

the dust settles...I get a big 'ol crazy smile on my face and say to her...
oh Yeah...well YOU call our parents and explain why he's not getting any drugs....
it was funny...she agreed that this is a difficult place to be in treatment...and a difficult situation to explain to others...
But it made sense to us.
The Official Fellow and the United Nations fellows left us alone to wait on Dr. Sandler.

Douglas and i both jumped to our feet....
we wandered around the room....
we hugged and kissed...
we checked ourselves out in the mirror
we made jokes about our pending trip to Myrtle Beach
we sat down...
we stood up...
it was almost like we were caged animals...

but then the soft tap on the door came.
in walked Dr. Sandler (ok,,he isn't THAT much oder than us) and our Fellow.
He, Dr. Sandler is a HE and HE didn't have a short skirt on...but he DID have BASS LOAFERS ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!YES>>>>another loyalist!!
He let us know that he agreed with the Fellow's assessment.
He again explained why going into more meds at this time would just make Douglas sick.
and IF he isn't Feeling Sick...why MAKE him sick?

When/if he begins to exhibit symptoms again...the docs and the chemo and the clinical trial meds will all be waiting for him.

He suggested Douglas get another CT to have a bench mark and follow up with Dr. Sandler in a couple months for another CT.

with all that out of the way and we talked about OSU football as we headed out the door. Dr. Sandler is from Cleveland/ Miami U and U of Toledo.

we floated out of the hospital
got in the van and headed to Phil and Tina's to eat and see our wonderful children!!

I smiled at the thought of Mr. K not having to ask 'does daddy's bones hurt?' for a while!!! and do you know..he asked me that when we got there!! It has been hard on him to stop himself from jumping on daddy and wanting to wrestle around ..but the chemo made douglas so fatigued that his whole body hurt and he had to tell Mr. K in little kid words...that daddy's bones hurt!

I had a great big smile on my face when i told V...Daddy is too healthy for them to give drugs to him!!

........as i drove us all home ..in the dark...on the long stretch of highway... i listened to douglas softly snore next to me...and could see that everyone else was asleep in the back...
I couldn't' help but think to myself...ALL this TIME..i've been praying for our miracle....even today when i saw the Principal at the girl's school..i told her we were heading south to get our miracle..
Is it possible that we have had our miracle all along???
(hear amazing grace in your own head now......ooooooohhhhh amazzzzing graaaaaaacccce )

May was almost a year ago if you think about it! so much for the stats! He's already beat them.
Haven't we successfully cut the apron strings and forged a new life in a new town? (allright...haven't I successfully cut them)
Haven't we managed to make new friends...and found a loving and generous Parish.
Our children are able to have Mom at home.
Our children are able to have a Catholic Education.
We have parents that love us without measure!
We have health insurance and a decent wage.
We've learned how to lean on each other in a way we NEVER had before.
We've learned what it means to be REALLY frightened.
We have learned what it means to be humbled.

wow.........come what may........I really think we've had it all along!!!
and i'm so thankful that we got to discover that together!

(howwww sweeeet the sound........ That saved a wretch like me! ... once was lost, but nowwww am found; waaaas blind, but now I seeeeeeeeee....)

Goodnight our dear sweet friends.
Thank you for being part of Our Miracle!