i've called his cell phone so that i can hear his voice on teh greeting umpteen times today.....
i've been frantically looking for a way to play some video that he had shot with his sony camera b/c the camera needed charged.

i keep seeing him everywhere.
his boots....his clothes.....the cans of ensure....his razor and shaving cream
and then i call his voicemail again.....
each time i see something my heart just stops beating for a second...it is like i'm gasping for the same air that he did just a week ago.....but i catch mine and am comforted...my poor darling could no longer catch his...

i feel like my husband is speaking to me: for some of you, you've heard be talk about being 'thumped' by loved ones that have gone to heaven. don't ask me why i call 'thumped'...

when the Knights were praying the Rosary thursday night and the joyful mystery of Finding Jesus in the Temple was announced...my heart lept for joy for one split second...and i smiled....i could see my darling douglas....fresh and clean with a curly mop of hair with a big grin coming over his face as our sweet Jesus comes up to find him.
i am not the only one to sense this....
my Ms. V also had a sensation at that very same moment.
I choose to believe.
our son....continues to ask questions....i've read a book about heaven to him (a gift from his preschool classmates). he tells me that daddy is napping, he tells me that he just wants daddy to put on a movie for him....when he catches me crying-he tells me not to be sad....and then he says that he (koen is happy) that daddy is with God.
I choose to believe that my husband is somehow communicating through our son....telling me not to be sad.

Douglas himself....on the way to his doctors apt. last thursday told me that he didn't want me to be sad for very long
I choose to belive that my cousin B shared that poem with me et al to help me clearly understand that i am not to be sad for very long.

i just wish i knew how long 'not very long' is.

i told so many people..over and over and over again that i have no reason to be selfishly upset over doug's death. we were given so many blessings and despite the cancer we had the best year of our lives...douglas was absolutly confident that his wife and children would be cared for...and it is true....on some level it is true.....

but today....i just can't quit calling his voicemail...

i did get the sony camera charged (with some help) and i got to SEE and HEAR doug.
we have video from this last year!!!! all kinds of fun times with the kids...

i also found a letter that he had typed to me on 'his' side of the computer partition. it was typed on the eve of my birthday this year. in it he answers those questions that i've for so many years!

What would you do with a million dollars?
pay off debts
wait for kids to graduate college b4 traveling

What is the best thing you've ever done?
marry me (now of course he'd write that :):):))

What was the scariest thing you've ever done?
get married (giving trust and being accountable to some other person)


it is crazy crazy how we get so attached to someone. i always felt a sense of independence in our marriage...i think there were times when i was critizized for that...and surely there were times when i felt guilty over being so....

but i am surprised at the sense of loneliness i feel...
it is almost a profound feeling....

i hope it never goes away.....that way i'll always feel him inside of my heart.

good night all...