Bumping into glass walls and is it midnight yet?

Is it midnight yet? Beginning with thanksgiving I would look forward to the stroke of midnight like a milestone event. Small and fleeting yes….but momentous for me and my shriveled up brain.

So, this holiday season was of course difficult for the bteam and those that love them. We have felt a deep loss since November 16th when we lost our beloved husband, father, brother, son and friend. With each holiday I would wake up watching the clock, waiting for the hours to tick away until the stroke of midnight. At 12:01am I would allow myself to find solace in the fact that we made it through a holiday without my douglas.

The children had a particularly bountiful Christmas this year…the many many many Santa elves certainly have left mr. K with visions of ‘star wars men’ dancing in his head. Lu has enough babys to open up an adoption agency and my big girls are the gadget geeks their father always was. It was all good. Not one of them were left wanting this year…or at least not wanting for material things…It is true that this generosity offered a type of comfort to the children as they privately grieve. Sanata elves have also taken care of the new head of the bteam as well…I think I’ve got the whole ‘i’m not cooking on Friday’ philosophy all wrapped up since I’ve got access to so many restaurant gift cards. How do we say Thank You yet again for such generosity and self sacrifice? Pay It Forward is alive and well!!

For me personally though, the past couple months have been an exercise in bumping into glass walls. If it weren’t for the damn glass walls I think I’d be doing a whole lot better than I am. Or, it could be for the grace of those glass walls that I’m still ‘with it’…who knows..

I don’t feel I’m in denial anymore…although I’ll admit I was there (now) I was able to detach myself in a way that let me plan and execute the funeral…in a way that allowed me to pull together the many official documents needed to close out ‘our life’.

I bumped into a glass wall trying to get some of that done. When I was sitting at the Social Security office on Christmas eve (in front of the unfortunate soul who didn’t have enough seniority to get the day off) I was handed letters to proof read b4 becoming part of my permanent record….within the first paragraph I read that “my marriage ceased to exist on November 16th.” And then the next blow came when the saluation read Ms. Instead of Mrs. I offered this poor guy a serious amount of uncontrolled tears….i didn’t have any tissue so I just kind of snotted into my scarf until I could gather my wits….we finished our business and I walked out with an official document telling me I was no longer married. Gee, does the government want my wedding band???

I settled myself down long enough to drive over to my insurance agent’s office (it was on the way home and was one of those administrative things I had left to do) I had not canceled the car insurance on doug’s van since titling over for the VA to make it handicapped accessible. (one of the ways I’ve honored doug’s life is to offer his van to a vet to have it overhauled to make it wheelchair accessible and used for vetrans with physical limitations.) well the poor guys there were also given some uncontrolled tears. I think I can laugh now,,,but I wish I could show you mr. S’s face when I walked into his office and as he turned around in his chair I just kind of fell apart….the ol’ guy (a long time friend of my father) said to me ‘do you want to sit down’…and I was just kind of stuck there in my spot and said ‘no’….it seemed like an eternity until I pulled myself together . winds up I have a little bit of a credit since hubby paid all of our policy up through the first of the year. When I got back in the car to go home I did notice that I had clicked off a few hours towards midnight….and that felt good.

The next glass wall came when I realized that it would be my father and not my husband to help me put gifts under the tree.
In the morning I hit that wall again when I had to thank my dad for being there because I realized that I would be unable to take pictures if I had to be busy passing out presents.
Later that morning we headed over to mom and bert’s without the rolls and salad that I had agreed to bring. I didn’t even MAKE the salad??? Didn’t BUY the rolls either.

So, you’re getting the gist of it I’m sure.

Let me share with you the glass wall that has left the latest mark.

Our son asked me the other night to go get him a ‘new daddy’.
When I told his older sister about that …she says ‘I don’t want a new daddy’
Lu just can’t stop saying daddy daddy daddy….and Mr. K just can’t stop asking questions about when daddy is coming back…..


I think if I could look at my heart it would resemble a pubescent boy’s face after his first shave…band aids all around.

Hey, guess what….its almost midnight….we made it another day!!



i love you to JK!!