running as therapy

i started running almost two years ago.
i've settled into a nice routine with some really great women.
this morning one of the girls asked me how my first therapy appt. went.

i shared with her my dx of trauma.
i then explained that one of the reasons for the use of the word trauma is because of the fact that i relive different moments of my husbands illness and death over and over again every day.

i can remember every minute detail of every moment.
i can conjure up smells
i can conjure up songs that played on the radio as we drove back and forth to the hospital
i can conjure up conversations with different people

i remember in great detail going to Aldi and watching an older man load up groceries for his wife and thinking that my doug will never do that for me.
i remember in great detail watching commercials of weddings and thinking that my girls will never have that with their daddy.
i remember driving through this really great neighborhood everyday as a shortcut out to the main road thinking we'll never buy a house again.

i'm not sure at what point my heart shut down.
i remember being happy that i couldn't feel much anymore.
i can remember being in control of my tears...being able to turn them on when i was alone and safe to be upset and being able to turn them off when the children were around.

i'd always been so emotional
it felt good not to be so much that way.


now....i'd give anything to feel again