when I sit on that couch I just become so damn vulnerable…It takes me a bit to open up…I try to read into what the therapist is saying and what she is expecting me to say…I don’t necessarily feel safe or free to say whatever I want…takes me some time to settle down.

Today she had me do a left brain right brain exercise.
She gave me a sheet of drawing paper and asked me to write with my right hand
‘what is so scary about speaking my feelings?’

And then with my left hand I had to write out the answers to that question.
The scribbles began-
Find out it is my fault
I will hurt somebody’s feelings
I will sound dumb
People will see me and see that I am selfish
It doesn't fit who I want people to think I am.

And then with my right hand again
‘what would happen if I gave myself the benefit of the doubt?’
I don’t know
‘what would happen if I don’t have control over the outcome?”
Someone else would die
‘is that true that someone else would die?’
No

The conversation then progressed –
If I can’t believe that my God would knowingly cause my children such pain and grief,,if my God would knowingly cause my husband’s parents such agony and then it must be my fault that my husband died. Why else would this loss come to us? and then if it is my fault...as it must be...then i can spend all my energy on trying to make things better for everyone...atone for my sins...give me a purpose for living...

because i am lost....