where's Doug???

i remember asking the group of women that had gathered in my living room that evening. food was being delivered on the hour and children were be shuttled hither and yahn to be fed and watered...phone would ring and immediately picked up and whispers would begin. i was pretty exhausted from being awake for 72 hours in and out of the hospital room...

the girls and i were with douglas when he took his last breath. the room had been darkened and the equipment had been quieted and the nurse gave me the 'look' and told the girls he was gone. we sat there for a minute or two...stunned silence i would say. i went back to the conference room where i don't know...30 plus friends and family had gathered to let them know. they were waiting...they knew it would just be minutes. we had agreed to remove the ventilator and then wait for our miracle. our miracle came in the form of a quite easy death i suppose. not the one i was praying for...but a miracle just the same...i suppose...i don't think i would have said that 7 months ago.

anyway, so all these women are gathered in my living room and it dawns on me that i don't know exactly where Doug is. i mean...in the last 15 years there wasn't a minute of time that i didn't know where he was and at that very minute i didn't know where he was...it was a valid question in my mind.

so i looked at them and said.
'do you know where doug is?'
looking back i can understand why their jaws dropped a bit....
i don't remember who...
but some body jumped up and said
'i'll call maryginn'

i think i just moved around the house...trying to think..but not really able to do so...

in walks Maryginn...
'princess, how's it going...what are you wondering about doug?'

i said, 'i'd just like to know where he is and who he's with'.

you see, in my mind it made perfect sense,,,,her husband was the undertaker and was to pick douglas up at the hospital...but when we left the hospital i didn't ask how long that whole process takes. so i just wondered where he was...was he still at the hospital or was he on his way down town or was he already there....i just didn't know WHERE my husband was. it was all very logical to me...

but to my dear dear friends gathered in that room...i had lost my marbles.
i do remember the sighs of relief that came over the room when i explained that i was just wondering....i had never had to wonder where he was....

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

when we got back from Chicago this past weekend, i had a letter from the cemetery letting me know that our memorial stone had been placed. I knew that what i had to go out to see just as soon as i could. I wanted to be the first...i wanted to be the first to leave a stone. I also had been wanting to lay out a blanket and just hang out. for what ever reason...the stone was an important part of the experience for me..so i had been waiting on that. That day was today.

i took a towel.
i took my laptop.
i got him a cup of gas station coffee
and me a diet pepsi
i brought along my breakfast.
i listened to QFM96 on the way there...that is the radio station he loved.

when i got there...the stone was indeed there.
it is indeed what i ordered
the granite is lovely
everything is spelled correctly

so i layed out on my towel and typed up (i figure that is less crazy then actually talking out loud)a detailed list of everything that has been going on with everyone. i gave him the update on all the kids...all the family travels and medical issues...a little gossip from the neighborhood etc.

the birds seemed to appreciate my company because they were talking up a storm...
it was quiet and perfect out there.

i have to now think about what to plant around the stone....i'm no green thumb (as evidenced by the dead hanging baskets on my new porch) so it has to be something easy....but pretty.

i noticed that our names are flip flopped from the stones around ours. i had our stone/burial arranged in the same order that we slept in bed. him on the right and me on the left. its funny though, most nights i now sleep on the right....but, when mr. k falls asleep in my bed he is the one on the right....could be a left handed person thing....?????

i stayed for about two hours and then headed out.
i didn't cry a whole lot which i was glad about....
it was a peaceful kind of visit...

i didn't ask 'where are you' though,,,cuz i know exactly where my Douglas i!!