going to bed

for the first time ever in my motherhood life i am actually sad that summer is ending and school is about to start. in the past once august came i was so ready....when other mom's would say 'oh no, i'm not ready for them to go back yet' i would get a pang of jealousy that they felt that way and i didn't....was i a bad mom?? did i not love my kids enough??? but....school was just another stepping stone to the future or another page in my franklin....

this summer...this august i just don't feel that way...
i'm sad....
i'll miss the lazy mornings in bed with Noggin (my summer version of preschool)
i'll miss the pool.....
i'll miss my big boy jumping right off the diving board...
i'll miss my lu throwing dirt in the babypool (sorry Tony)and watering the plants with clorine water??
i'll miss my big girls and i running around the corner for a Starbucks...

i'll just miss this....
this summer has been busy with travel but relaxed in a way i can't describe.
we're healing i suppose....
the hurts aren't as sharp as they once were..but they are still as deep

i have officially signed up to go to a young widowers group at St. Joan of Arc next month. Mimi threatened to actually come pick me up and drive me there and make me go in....that is kind of what Rose did when the kids and i started to go to the therapy at OSU...

i secretly wonder if i'm dreading all the 'one year' anniversaries.
in a few short days it will be the one year anniversary of our return here to our home.
one year since the 'big reveal' and my precious EMO opened its loving arms to brace us for the coming battle.
one year since we had to leave our 'new' family at Holy Spirit/St. Joe/Bowling Green and all those wonderful folks.

i do have moments of smiles though..so don't think i'm off the deep end....or ..AT LEAST NOT off THAT deep end!!

my little running group has become compatriots of mine. we fight the mental battle called running together twice a week....i look forward to seeing them and think as long as they can do it..so can i.

all four of the children will be in school this year...maybe that is my hang up on the whole back to school deal???

i dunn-o.

today when i was driving to V's volleyball game i put my Rascal Flats album on my ipod...i am a flipper so that means i listen to the songs that i know the words to and that i can sing along with. i was actually flipping to find that song Here Comes Goodbye...(that song is quick to get a cry in b4 i have to go somewhere new alone) ANYWAY....for what ever reason i stopped on this song Forever....i hadn't ever listened to it b4, but i did today....and you know....it is the perfect song for me and moving onward....i didn't cry...i just thought to myself how Douglas will indeed be Forever....Forever in our children.....like....forever into eternity....they'll have children of their own...and then their children will have children....