regrets...and the smoking gun!!

regret...Wikipedia says:

Regret can describe not only the dislike for an action that has been committed, but also, importantly, regret of inaction. Many people find themselves wishing that they had done something in a past situation.

i think regret as defined above hits a woman hard in the face when her husband dies. at least in my case...i regret inaction more than action. Not that i don't have a handful of things i wish i would have never done ... but for me...in particular...the inaction...the lack of attention and interest causes me the most pain.

anyone who knew Douglas knew he enjoyed guns.
he was a proud member of the NRA and part of the appeal of living in KY was the gun laws (or lack of them).
he liked all types..big and small...loud and silent...
expensive and maybe not so much.

we never ever EVER agreed on gun legislation..

i was not exposed to guns at any point in my childhood
there was one day in high school when i got to shoot a shot gun but that was the only time i'd ever touched much less shot a gun.

he on the other hand was familiar with guns from an early age and i'm quite sure that was part of the appeal of joining the military.


it wasn't until after we moved 'to the south' that i started to have second thoughts on my position on gun control.
i'll never forget the first time i noticed a man actually carrying a gun on his belt.
i was in a National City Bank...waiting in line WITH the wee ones
a nicely dressed man ahead of me in line.
(Doug wasn't sick yet and i was so full of hope and excitement about our New life)
as i stood there i noticed that on his hip
attached to his belt was a gun holster
the holster itself surprised...
outside of a police officer i can't say that i'd ever seen a holster in person.
a second later i realized that there was an actual gun IN the holster.
just cradled there on the mans hip.

and then...
rather than being skeeved out
or freaked out
or grossed out

i actually thought to myself...hmmmmm....if a bad guy comes in...this guy ahead of me will take care of business..

this was a pivotal moment for me.
up to this point..i had always associated guns with drugs/gangs/violence..scary and ugly side to life.
it had never occurred to me that they could actually be part of a defensive posture...or even more...just something fun to own.
guns and gun ownership was just a bone of contention between my husband and myself...i was often afraid that the children would find them and become one of those nightly news stories.

but now...thanks to this man in the bank....i had a change of heart.

a few months later (after we knew about the cancer) we got a flier home from school...FROM SCHOOL!!! inviting kids to learn about shooting guns and potentially become part of a county gun club that would compete in games of marksmanship.
i'm quite sure it surprised Douglas when i signed them up for lessons.
i know he was excited for them and was able to attend some of the classes.
before getting too weak...he was able to take them out to shoot his own guns a few times.
i think getting familiar and comfortable with a gun was empowering to my daughters and i'm so glad that they got to share that with their father.

***************************************

i on the other hand, even after my change of heart was not able to participate in my husbands hobby.
i can honestly say that i never made 'the face' when he talked about them again.
i read the NRA magazine that came in the mail and i made sure that his membership was paid and he had his NRA card in his wallet.

but i never
ever
ever
got to go shoot with him.
i never
ever
ever
got the time to stand in the garage and let him show me his guns.

Regret - dislike over an inaction.

after Douglas died...the guns were all handed over for safe handling and storage..
i didn't want to worry about safety in the house..

so, it surprised me last week when,,,standing in the kitchen...probably listening to country music (ha ha) that it dawned on me that i had been stewing over things i regretted.
one of those things being never taking a sincere interest in his gun hobby.
so, i made a call to a friend who had offered to take me shooting when ever i wanted to...

this past saturday found me in a gun range.
man...the testosterone ooozzess everywhere
the employee uniform is appropriately khaki pants and shooting vests
and let me tell you...there was an employee every three feet in that place.

we had to watch a video on gun range shooting safety.
it was a lot of information...and it made me nervous.
i was glad i wasn't there alone...i would have left i'm sure.
but i got the overall gist...guns are to be pointing down range at ALL times and everyone must wear eye and ear gear. (sexy stuff let me tell you)

after the movie i got all gussied up in my gear and we picked our targets.
my friend actually picked the targets that are shaped like a body...i had to say no to that...too weird i think...
plus...i guess i had imagined bulls eye type targets
we traded them in and into the range we went.

it was loud
there were other people shooting
and for the first ten minutes or so i kept flinching every time someone shot their gun
i was almost embarrassed because i could not control the flinching.
with every bang...my body would jump uncontrollably.
for a moment i was worried that i wouldn't be able to get that under control.

but it got better...and i got used to the noise.

we started by laying out four different types of guns.
my friend showed me how to load the bullets into the magazines
how to put the magazine into the guns
where the safety was and how they worked

and then...
it was Game On!!
i was ready!!

i didn't know which eye to look thru
it took me a minute or two to figure out how to place my hands on the guns.
my friend had to keep telling me to move my thumb.
that made me laugh because douglas always told me i couldn't make a proper fist b/c i always tucked my thumb inside my hand..

i got myself together and..

i got to shoot a 9mm which was a style that douglas liked..it was ok...i wasn't very accurate with though and it felt too fat for my hand...plus loading that magazine took too much time.

i got to shoot a 22mm with kind of a long barrel..my accuracy improved with this model and i even got a shot thru the bulls eye..it was lighter in my hand and i think that this style would be something i could handle.

and then...
oh....and then....
my friend cleared the deck of the other guns and brought out a 45mm.
this gun was shiny
and pretty
and sexy.

how weird it was...
to think a gun was actually sexy...
it was easy enough to load..
it fit in my hands nicely..
the first shot i think my eyes closed at the kick back and the noise.
i could right away see the difference in hole size in the targets..
wow..
i took a deep breath..
it felt special..
i pulled the trigger..
bang...
i controlled the kick back this time
and i was able to keep my eyes open...
and then i saw it....
smoke...
a little curl of smoke
smoke snaking its way out of the barrel of the gun...

oh yeah...sexy in a gun...addicting almost immediately..
how strange..
but how beautiful..
i thought for just a moment... is this what my husband felt when he shot his guns.
was this feeling the draw for him?
i don't know...
i'll have to wait to ask him..

but...for that brief moment...i didn't feel regret anymore...
i felt closer to him than i have in a long while...
i wish he could have been there with me...but i'm quite sure he was watching anyway.
i would be willing to bet that he would have thought that snaking curl of smoke was sexy too..
and of course...
knowing my husband..he would have thought it was sexy of me to be handling a gun..

so...
now i've done it..
i've learned a little bit about guns and i've shot a few of them.
i didn't leave there with a membership...
but i do think i'll go back sometime...
i have no regrets about going..thats for sure!