first visit.

in the last couple weeks the big girls and i had begun talking about how/when we'd go visit the cemetery. i had very mixed feelings about it...but knew that we would need to get over the hump of the first visit sooner than later. the opportunity presented itself last week when the reporter from the local newspaper called to do a follow up story on the Bteam. the photographer wanted new pictures..and after some discussion...it was determined that he would go to the cemetery with us and that day was going to be this past sunday.

there was no turning back then. i was praying for snow ... in my minds eye, i felt that if the snow was covering the ground..then we wouldn't be able to see the outline of the burial site. i really really really didn't want to see that ground disturbed...the rectangle that most assuredly would outline 'the' spot. i also got anxious about what to take...the girls and i had talked about decorating the pine tree...but the tree is huge...and then we would just be hanging a few little things on just a little bit of the tree....

saturday night, the tree in the family room finally bit the dust...after having bit the dust a million times already this season. it was just not standing up and fell over many times...so in frustration i started to take it apart when i had the thought that we could just take the topper off the tree and decorate it for daddy's spot. Ms. V strung some popcorn (for the birds) and ms. R got some of our outdoor ornaments and we gathered them up.

on sunday morning we got bundled up and headed out.
There was no snow but it was warm enough to be comfortable.

i wasn't sure that i would be able to find our section. after all, i had only been there twice and both times i was a bit beside myself (and neither time was i the one doing the driving - which always makes a difference if i remember directions).

But, between the girls and i we found it easily....as i pulled up i did begin to loose it a little bit....
but i gathered my wits and got out of the car along with our goodies.
the photographer had followed us out there but i seemed to loose track of him once i got out of the car..

we pulled out the tree topper and had mr. k pound it in with the hammer and then we each put some decorations on our little tree. it wasn't long before mr. k took off and started climbing on tombstones and collecting flowers for me...happy birthday balloons as well. :) he had no upsetting reaction to the situation at all.

we walked up and down the isle a bit until the rain began to fall and we piled into the van and then took a winding drive through the cemetery. not before i was able to have my own moment with douglas. i didn't choke up or get crazy..i just told him that i was there and that i would see him soon (kind of like he really was there and i was just saying goodbye like i would when he was alive....and then i checked myself and told him...'well, not too soon'. i smiled at that...like it was so casual and 'real'....like my heart was finally a little bit at peace. i had the sincerest feeling that indeed he is NOT there. he is not cold and lonely up there on the hill. i have been haunted by that fear (however unrealistic) for weeks now....i have been unable to reconcile the separation of his physical body and his soul. I felt so much better for having gone there.!! i'm so very glad that we did!

After getting into the van, we took a winding drive through the cemetery. i do know where some of my family is buried and since we were already there..i figured we'd go see them as well. I also find it very interesting looking at all of the different designs. with the help of my cousin MB i intend to visit more of my family when the weather breaks. Here are some pictures of my family memorials.

I've got our memorial stone designed and i will reveal it to you all once i get a piece of documentation i'm waiting on. (i had to get approval to use a trademark) it is very cool and it will be hard to wait until spring to actually see it installed!! i'm excited also b/c we are able to do plantings in front of our memorial stone. (i was happy to read that in the rule book 2nite)

we headed home after that. it was a good day i would say...a very good day!


*** an update on the papa! he has been moved to the step down unit and we anticipate that he will go home on wed. got to see the cut on his chest...phew wee...it looks so painful and he just looks so beat up where they have poked and prodded him. poor guy...it is a good thing he'll get a better ticker after all this trouble eh??? :)

**** i also want to give a shout out to my friends down in BG...i heard ya'll are under a winter storm warning....i'll bet you have no school tomorrow!! i also hope that you take care on the road....icy roads and no road salt can be dangerous!!
i remember last year we had one snow day down there and i got such a laugh out of the fact that EVEN the Mall was closed and the snow had melted by noon and it stayed closed the rest of the day! so funny.

so ta ta for now!!