now i know i'm a freak....

you know you don't have to read this....this blog is really MY therapy...i've been bushwhacked all day today...was busy with odds and ends...mr. k had a fantastic play date..i was able to run out to the store alone..YAY...but i am quite certain i am a mess. i was tearing up at the drop of a hat today. i have phone calls to return that i just don't want to.....i just want to eat....i really do need a shower...although i did finally brush my hair...of course AFTER i saw a few friends at the Lowes...
i know that this whole reliving the last few days is/MUST be a normal part of grieving. I know that if you are reading this - V of EMO you understand exactly what this is like. i mean it is sickening on some level....i relive the day the doctor came out to tell Rick and Pete and I that Doug was 'really bad'. then i relive the feelings of excitement that we had when we were in Bowling Green...the Promise of the future is better than any drug! Then my mind goes back to telling the girls....then to Douglas crying in my arms.....then to that shit doctor at OSU...

but you know....don't we do this with happy memories and wonderful events in our lives. we relive finding out we are pregnant...then we remember what it was like to sleep until noon....then we remember pushing pushing pushing that baby out!! and waking up the next morning in the hospital with this little tiny miracle next to you. or THE proposal....the 'will you marry me'....the 'i love you forever' the...
until death do you part...and how you say those words...but it is like....
'what--eva'....
who wants to think about that...

i suppose it is a blessing that we have memories.

today i got an email from the newspaper telling me that the online Guest Book would be removed from 'the net'....but in teh next 24 hours i could purchase a copy for X amount of money....
Good thing i have a smart mommy who cut and pasted all of the entries into a word document for us!!
Way to Go Nana!! so glad you went back to work!!:)

its almost six o clock now...the kids and i were at OSU therapy a year ago at this time...little did we know....

although...i have to tell you that as i read the entry below....and of course hindsight is 20/20 -
Douglas was in the stage of Death is Eminent. It was the second to the last chapter in a cancer book i was reading at the time....i had read it several times over...and kept telling myself
'oh...he doesn't do that'.......yet......










We're baaaaaaackkkkk november 13th 2008

Posted by eastmoormom
yep...back in the ER...shout outs to the Cassady Fire house!! they came quickly and whisked us right down here to OSU even though OSU said 'divert'...our guys weren't having it!!!! so hoooooraaaayyyy to them.

we're getting stabilized right now....and forgive me for typing right now...this keeps me in a less than freak out mode....hubby is watching Jay Leno and waiting for permission to take his sleeping meds!!

the right lung has backfilled from the last drain....we were already scheduled for a pluerelcentesis so i'm gunning to just go ahead and get it done...also...the blood transfusion that was already scheduled for friday am might just get done too..that brings our apts down by two....there are a couple others that were being scheduled today when we saw the doc.

oh yeah, you're probably wondering about that visit today.....well...i need to tell you that i am officially NOT IN LOVE with this encologist. I want OUR DR. SMITH back!! DR. Sykora also!!!!!!! we tried to talk about that fact that we are struggling to get pain under control and that hubby can't get any sleep of late..and is actually playing musical chairs every 10 minutes most of the night....doc never asked about results from reducing a med that they told us to do the last time we were there.....all he wanted to say was...well, we're gonna stop almpta and why don't we do Tarceva!! and by the way..that drug gives you about a 10% return and is guaranteed to give you a rash.....

just because you spent three days in the hospital a week ago, and you came in last week b/c things were going that well...and you've had three blood transfusions...i think we should just give you some more damn poison!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i could just spit today....i really really could. the man never ever ever ever said to my husband....damn big guy...you've had a hell of a month....i feel bad that the trial med brought all of this on...but it was worth a shot....here is what we can do next....or we can do this........what DO YOU WANT TO DO???????????????

OUR DR. SMITH and DR. SIKORA would have said that!!!!!!!

JULIE and CHRISTINE ...can you pack them up in your suitcase and bring them with you next week???? BECAUSE...you ARE STILL coming!!! i want and need you to come up....

so.. the plan thus far this evening is to: do another chest CT to get a good look at that lung and blood clot...also...we are hoping to get that blood transfusion. we've been told there are no available beds over in the hospital..but my new best friend nurse told me that she'd sneak me a cot in here a little later!!!


thanks to my mom and papa and baba for taking over for us tonight as we whisked down the street!! i know my MsR is a little shaken up...she could use a prayer....MS.V went right into action and started packing a bag for daddy as we waited for the squad...she even went up stairs and got me a bra....since i was already in my nightgown.....i really think she just didn't want me to embarrass myself....

too bad i didnt' bring my camera...i could get you some pictures...

so..hugs to everyone...stay tuned...i'll keep posted on the blog as usual as i won't be making a ton of cell phone calls....